Codependency & Healthy Boundaries

The term codependence is controversial. Postmodernist or poststructuralists would say, what does the word “codependence” even mean? What does it mean to be “codependent?” What are “boundaries,” anyway? Boundaries and codependency mean something different to each individual. However, in practice so far, I have observed certain trends among clients, which I am comfortable labeling for the sake of sharing here, and in the treatment of my clients.

The term “codependence” has been debated for decades. For now, let’s just say a tentative definition of codependence is as follows: “codependency is a pattern of painful dependence upon compulsive behaviors and approval of others to find safety, self-worth, and identity” (Lancer, 2012).   One thing should be understood clearly as clinicians, however. The term codependence should not be used to judge your client, and should be considered within each climate’s sociocultural upbringing and background. Many believe that codependence is just a Western ideological construct – an outgrowth of individualism and independence. Some feminists think the term is pejorative, as women are generally seen as nurturers historically, and investment in a relationship should not be seen as a disorder, but rather, as simply necessary for self-preservation. For the purpose of this article, let us just explore these terms generally-speaking.

Generally-speaking, what I have noticed, is that people displaying symptoms of codependency and poor boundaries have low-self esteem, and often have trouble being themselves. They develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, reacts to their own self-criticism, and reacts to an imagined ideal of who they should be. There is a real self, hidden behind a shame-based critic, which hides behind a persona; and lastly hides behind an image of a perfect self (which newsflash! does not exist)! Dysfunctional parenting and families can cause codependency, as well as experiencing trauma, your role models, genetics, culture, religious beliefs, and being involved with an addict, or being an addict or alcoholic yourself (EVEN if you are in recovery currently).

Regardless of one’s beliefs surrounding codependency and the term itself, there are several patterns regarding codependency and boundaries, which I would like to discuss here.

Because those struggling with codependency live with a high degree of shame, stress and reactivity, they often live in fear. As such, they struggle with boundary setting. Problems with intimacy and communication arise as they struggle and are confused about personal boundaries and responsibility to themselves and others.

Karen Horney, discusses several common personality traits among those who struggle with codependency, and separates them into 3 main categories:

Neurotic Compliance

1. The need for affection and approval
2. The need to restrict your behavior and expectations within narrow borders

Neurotic Aggression

1. The need for power and domination of others with contempt for weakness
2. The need to exploit and manipulate others – see them as objects to be used

Neurotic Withdrawal

1. The need for self-sufficiency and independence to the extent you avoid close relationships
2. The need for perfection, worrying about possible errors and defects constantly

(Horney, 2015).

Codependents often have low self-esteem, as well. Here are some signs of low self-esteem:

1. You feel not enough, feel indecisive, defer to, agree with and please others, doubt self, feel disconnected from self and others
2. Discount own feelings, lack confidence and self-efficacy
3. Lack self-love and self-compassion

So what is the deal with boundaries and codependency?

Codependents have a hard time a) keeping boundaries and b) recognizing when someone is invading their boundaries.

Boundaries are part of an expression of self-esteem. They define where you end and others begin, and set limits between you and others, allowing you to embody your individual self.

There are different types of boundaries:

1. Material (sharing possessions and money)
2. Physical, including sexual (privacy and how, whom, and when you allow someone to enter your space or touch you)
3. Mental (apply to opinions and beliefs, and whether you can formulate and hold on to your own when challenged without become rigid and dogmatic)
4. Emotional (these are difficult to understand, but they define your emotional rights and responsibilities and separate your feelings from others.

You want to imagine yourself with RIGID boundaries around you, which are impermeable, with just enough flexibility. Do not let any psychic vampires in to drain you of your self and your resources!!!

So, take note if you notice that someone is intruding on your space materially, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Are you intruding on someone else’s space? Watch out for areas in your life where there is potential enmeshment, where a boundary between you and someone else does not exist or is very blurry.

Signs of unhealthy boundaries:

Telling all

Trusting no one

Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

Not noticing when someone else invades your boundaries

Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting

Taking advantage of someone financially, emotionally, materially, physically or sexually

Signs of healthy boundaries

Appropriate trust

Staying focused on your own growth

Noticing when someone invades your boundaries

Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

Trusting your own decisions

Trusting yourself

Defining your truth, AS YOU SEE IT!!!

More to come on this topic… stay tuned. And keep up with that boundary setting! J