The Tiger

Fall is here. The air is colder, and crisper, even in Southern California. Halloween decorations are up. The world is unsettled, but life goes on, day by day. Every morning I wake up, and I am unsure of what I will see or hear on the news. I have a general sense of anxiety and uncertainty about what is happening in the world, and I know the events of the last few weeks have impacted my Clients greatly. Now more than ever, I have a sense of needing to “hold it together” for them. I find my own defenses creeping up. Then I sigh, breathe, and remind myself….. “Courtney, you do not have any control over the world’s darkness, or how your Client may be experiencing darkness today. You are a human being. You have emotions too, and cannot always be on.” Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, it is another story. Some days I feel my Clients’ pain on a massive scale, and at the end of the day, it shows up as a huge weight and heaviness in my chest. I will journal, or I will write, or I will go for a run, or I will get a massage, or I will consult, and this helps it to clear. When there is a crisis, as Therapists, we empathize, but we also act as a container for the Client to feel, and to be contained. The caring and emotional attunement between the Client and me provides space for both my unconscious and conscious fears and anxieties (will I hold enough? what if I interpret too much? Am I good enough?) and my Client’s unconscious and conscious fears and anxieties (will the Therapist think I am crazy? Will she always be there for me? Will she give me an answer? Will she disappoint me like my mother did?) as both of us express and work through in the room.

I was having a particularly hard day after a session last week. I asked for some help (which I have learned over time is the absolute best way to get oneself out of a hard day!)

Here were the words that WOKE ME UP:

“Courtney, pretend your own anxiety is a Tiger. Now, imagine it is staring straight at you. The Tiger’s eyes are transfixed on yours. Now walk straight towards the Tiger. Look him right in the eyes and stare straight back at him. Once you walk towards him, and stare straight back directly at him, he will slowly lurk away. Not only must you face your anxiety, but you must walk straight towards it. Walk towards your fear.”

I had an epiphany. I realized that for the last week, I had been frozen in the ‘freeze’ mode of fight, flight or freeze. I anxiety built up such that I could barely move – I was afraid to release a monster within and to admit that the monster was inside of me. I had not been releasing my Client’s emotions, and had not been engaging in enough self-care to let out the emotion. I was “holding it together” but afraid to be human and let out my emotion.

And then came the real clincher…… “Do you realize Courtney, that you are also unconsciously, afraid of losing your mind? We all are! Just most people repress it, and it stays in the unconscious!!”   I was in shock. “What do you mean I am afraid of losing my mind? Am I nuts??” No. Apparently I am just human. Phew. I took a deep breath again.

What I am learning is that we all have a fear of releasing something dark that is within us. Many of us will drink our unconscious fear away, or 'serial date' it away, or eat it away, or travel it away, or exercise it away, or gamble it away or…..you get the picture. No one wants to speak of the dark truths and the unconscious internal human condition because it is just too scary. What happens when it is within and without – internal an external?   There is already so much darkness in the external world. This is why we defend against our fear and anxiety. The unconscious holds it. And you know what? Sometimes this is okay when the external world is too much to bear. However, it is not okay when you take it all in – like I was doing to myself last week.

D.W. Winnicott writes an article called, “Fear of Breakdown,” in which he describes the phenomenon whereby in infancy, there occurs a breakdown in the mother-infant tie at a certain stage, and a breakdown in the defense mechanisms of the infant. As a result, later- there is a breakdown in the defense mechanisms of that same adult. The breakdown has already occurred between the mother and the infant in infancy, but the infant does not truly experience it, as the infant’s ego is too immature to truly encompass the experience. The child then becomes split off and defended against, and then constantly lives in fear of breakdown in adulthood.   In adulthood, if the individual works with an analyst or therapist, he or she can slowly gradually experience for the first time, the pain and terror of the first true breakdown. Over a period of years, this leads to reintegration of the lost child into the patient’s present organization, and less of a fear of breakdown moving forward in the adult’s life. The adult will start to remember the “good enough mother” before the mother-infant breakdown occurred, and anxiety will lessen. (Winnicott, D.W., 1963).

None of us want to lose it. We allow ourselves to hit a 9 on the anxiety or fear scale, but never a 10. We have to “hold it all together,” no matter what spins around us, because we are wives, and mothers, fathers, and brothers, stepmothers, and lovers, friends, and workers, co-workers, and have bills to pay…… we do it all.   However, I have a new appreciation for people who walk toward fear, without shame, and who are not afraid, at times, to carry darkness on their sleeves and to stare the tiger straight in the eye. These individuals do not sweep everything under the rug, smile, and pretend that everything is okay when it is not. There is a damn Tiger in the room!! However, I understand that sometimes we have our defenses for a reason and we need and rely on them. Life is messy. We all are afraid. We are all flawed. Everyone has moments of darkness. Everyone freezes sometimes and gets stuck. Everyone is defended. And I now truly believe, that if you are a human being living in this day and age on this planet – you hold an unconscious fear of global or personal breakdown, and I honor the unconscious space for you to hold it, let it emerge, acknowledge it, walk toward it and LOOK IT STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.